It's these type of things

So lately I have been finding all of this cool stuff to do. And I like to make plans. This is when I wish I had a person to really share life with. Someone who would be down to go with maybe the only issue being scheduling and cash flow. But if O wanted to do something or if they wanted to do something we would enjoy doing it together, no question.

It's not that I need someone else to complete me it is just that it is enjoyable to have someone else around and do fun stuff with 

Because even right now I am at my fave coffee shop alone writing. And it is enjoyable but as we learned in Kindergarten it is important to share :)

Third wheel or the extra

It seems that is often my place. Me reaching out to others. Bringing them together or joining in on what they are doing. I am looking for a place to rest. A person to be connected to....a partner in crime. To be a permanent part of something and not feel as if I am in Limbo.

I know that I have that in Christ. That God loves me fully and completely. I rejoice in that. 

I guess I wonder what it means that I still desire more? Is it bad to want someone to share all my thoughts with? Someone who wants to explore God with me? Ask questions have discussions challenge each other? 

Sigh...........

If Jesus + nothing= everything

Why do I desire more?

Where is my contentment?

God is great

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea.

God you are so great and gracious. I don't want to be half hearted and casual. I want to know see hunger and thirst for the infinite joy you offer above everything. I want a life with and for you. One that speaks your name to others in a loving and encouraging way. 

Yet right now my heart is torn. It is half hearted for while I desire to be enveloped in your love I also look to the world. I see people around me in loving communities and families. I see people in healthy work environments living comfortable lives with incomes to spare. I see people with their children loving them playing with them helping them to grow into young men and woman. I must confess I desire all of these things. I desire to be loved and cared for, to be well off with out a financial burden with a beautiful loving and caring family raising children of my own. I have as of late been telling people I don't want kids but I think that is because of my age and my belief that I would be able to be both financially comfortable and have children. At the end of the day what I want most is to glorify God but I feel these things pulling at me as well. Are these ideas encouraging me towards Xhrist or pulling me away from the infinite joy God promises. Holy Spirit I beg of you to move in me, lead me. God I am dependent upon you, your wisdom, grace and mercy. You have always been my provider and so great I never can understand or imagine what you have planned. Lord I beg of you reveal the path to me. Encourage me in your ways. Shut doors that would lead me astray. I love you and want to be your good and faithful servant but I am just not sure which way to go. I fall at your mercy Lord. Lead me.

Seattle

What can I say? I love visiting and it rips my heart out all at the same time. 

I am so blessed to have friends like Sarah and Jason. I know with out a shadow of a doubt they will always be there for me. Those are special relationships. I would say the same would be true for Rufus had he been in town. 

I am more recently realizing just how important that is to me. People to be there to show up always or at least humanly possible. Not just when it is convenient.

Then there are the special surprises. Seeing Jason Best and his kids was great! It is fun to just re meet someone and know there is an appreciation and fondness for each other because of a certain space and time. 

I had fun staying downtown. It was neat have LA people here if only for a short time. Talk about showing up Karen driving all the way from Portland for just a night. What a blessing.

Feelings nothing more than feelings

Today I saw a movie that caused me to look at fear and emotion, the Fault in our Stars.

A romantic drama this movie is filled with both. As I watched this film I found myself crying. Sometimes tears of joy for what was being shared and other times tears of sadness because of my fear of being alone and not being good enough.

If I believe that God is good, and I do. If I believe that God created me, and I do. Then it stands to reason that I would believe I am good, His good and faithful servant. I struggle with that sometimes.

Alone but not alone

And here I am again at church alone. But I am not alone because Christ is with me. He has brothers and sisters surronding me. And while their chief or even 4 or 5th thoughts may not be of me I am loved. I am loved because of the grace Christ gave to me when He died on the cross. I am loved where I am for who I am God's creation. His good and faithful servant in whom He is well pleased. I long to serve and glorify Him.

Setting boundaries and making compromises

I find myself being asked by many around me about the boundaries I am setting. I try to state how I am but when I say it out loud it sounds more like a compromise. As this is happening I am also confronted with loneliness and the call to turn and wait on Jesus. Not to make an idol of a person or thing. Is this what I am doing?  I know it's not my desire. But am I allowing it to happen? Am I trying to fulfill the void in my heart that can only be satisfied with Christ with another? And if I am can I repent right now and turn around? Today has shown me that I am starting to walk down the path of making another my savior. I can still stop and turn around. I can maintain a relationship with out placing that at the first. I just need to step away. Stop compromising grieve the loss and rest in The Lord. He provides for me always has and I can trust in Him. I may just need some friends to hold me accountable :)

Being made new

So often I turn my thoughts separate from you. Somehow I manage to forget how you made me new. Shiny as a penny I enter the world only to be immersed in dirt. But you did something cool you had washed me specially so that when I return to you the shine doesn't fade it is always there. At times in the dungyness I have trouble seeing the shine and at other times it as if the shine repels not only my dirt but the dirt of others. They see the shine and inquire about you. It is amazing to be able to tell them of the wonderful person who made my life shine and to tell them of how they could be shiny too. I know when I seem dingy that it is false and untrue but I also know it is because I have walked away from you. It is me trying to deny your love and your gift. I am not sure why I do that, no that's not true I know exactly why I do that. Sometimes even being shiny seems lonely. Sometimes it is because I am shiny that I am lonely. Lonely because I am different. I think that if I cover up the shine others will look at me and love me more. And for a time it might work but then you try to wipe me off you call for me letting me know that you love me. There comes a point when I cannot deny the love and I give up the dirt to be shined again. Why do you keep loving me though? Do you not ever get tired of having to continually call for me? Having to come after me again and again? To clean me? Don't you ever want to just wash your hands of me? I guess I find this so amazing and unbelievable because no where else in my life have I seen such utter devotion. Well maybe I can see a light echo of it in my mother but for the most part when things get tough everyone seems to get going, they leave and search for greener pastures. But not you, you are always there arms stretched open waiting for me to turn and smile and come running with a hug. You truly are marvelous and amazing. I am not sure why anyone wouldn't want to know a love like that. It astounds me. You astound me and scare me and give me hope. I love you